The world is filled with cripples
and nights that never end
calls that never come through
restless dreams
stars that lose themselves
waves that are always leaving
bitten mouths
lonely people at the movies
dark chocolate nipples
tired people
lonely hearts
opening and spinning
crashing into open mouths
hungry eyes
empty-handed lovers
the lethargy of loneliness
a miserable force.
It’s pretty amazing and maybe a little sad how memories fade at different places. 22 years ago you had me, raised me. Would it be weird to say your face is the same one that built my dreams and broke my heart from time to time? I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday but I can remember how strong your arms are, how you’d work so we won’t go hungry. Those arms are stronger than anything in the world, except for maybe the fear I’ve always had for you.
I remember how your laughter reverberates through the room and even as it seemed that I walked on egg shells around you, it still had the ability to lift my spirits. Growing up, only your laughter had the power to leave me feeling empty too. As I grew older, that laughter changed, morphed into a lot of yelling and “I really don’t think you’ll turn out great but I’m grateful I have other children”. The yelling ended and it was replaced with silence which I still think is the hardest part. I got into the university and home just wasn’t where I wanted to be anymore. Initially I chalked it up to the euphoria of being free for the first time but as years went by I realized it was something more. Maybe all that silence between us burned holes into me that can’t be mended, and all that time at Baba Lola’s house and the resulting effects contributed to it.
I was lost, and how badly my life has turned out now is a result of the mistakes I’ve made. When I slipped away while you watched, it set into motion a domino effect. I made 10,000 decisions that day, dad. I decided to skip graduation, we can only fake the smiles for the camera, i’ll always be the child that disappointed you. I decided your shoes would filled by the nearest stranger if I needed a shoulder to lean on.
You tied my hands in countless ways, set my feet on a path I was forced to walk on. My life is headed in a whole new direction and uncertain as the future is I could do a lot better with your support. We would never be able to have that father-son bond, let’s face it, the time to foster that is long gone. We’ve both made mistakes in our lives and there are a thousand things we could not decide, but if there is anything I can choose; forgiveness.
I choose to forgive you because doing so empowers me. I choose to forgive you because I’ve lost so much and the first step to reclaiming them is forgiveness. I choose to forgive you because the alternative is bitterness and we both know that bitterness is poison.
I stole the title from Timi Ajiboye’s medium post X_x
2016 is finally here and if you ask me, i’d say its not too early to start mapping out the year and setting goals. I usually never do this, I just take the year head-on. Life’s deceptive deliriums come strong just after you turn twenty one and thankfully in my case (or so i hope) it didn’t last long. I’ll be 23 this year and it’s a big deal because kini iyato 23 ati 26?
The year started pretty great, I made the lover lunch two days ago. I made a three course meal, without the senrenre of expensive restaurants because she abandoned the table and sat on the floor (lol this man over tipped his hand), but it was totally worth it.
….back to my decision to set goals and stuff. I have dreams so big the quantity of work I need to put in to achieve them is scary. It all just puts me under a lot of pressure and I don’t do so well under pressure so I’m going to try and put things into perspective by writing some of my plans and goals here and hope that when my life slips into chaos and I slack I’ll have this for a benchmark and/or someone who has read this post and would be kind enough to say “hey, you planned to do this and you’re veering off track”. I tried talking to C yesterday about this and I’m not sure if its how i broached the subject or she just wasn’t ready, but it went south. I’ll just try again later. In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown of the things (habits, goals, e.t.c) I plan to pick up/drop. I’ve seen people make plans like I’m doing and go back to their old lives after a few weeks and I won’t lie, its making me sceptical about this proposed lifestyle overhaul, but then i’ve seen people whose lives turned out great as a result of what i’m about to do.
This isn’t everything, and I plan to update this post as stuff comes up.
Infatuation is a strange thing
a bony creature, emaciated from feeding on itself,
its not addicted to its subject,
but to its own vain hunger.
It doesn’t need a handsome face, fat account or a great body to fuel its very rampant imagination.
humid couch,
plush beds,
leather car seats
sweaty palms,
fleshy carpets,
ablaze with conquest
when conquering is achieved,
it becomes disenchanted
almost disgusted with its subject
who is left hollow,
emptied of their precious cargo.
I already wrote a review, i just didn’t think it was necessary to write one so i deleted it. My reason being that it was a pretty great year and i don’t think i can stand being reminded of all the good things i once had when things go south, there’s a lot to tell you about but I’d only write what I remember.
For some reason i was under a lot of pressure when the year started. I had not done too well in school the previous year, I was constantly plagued by the fear of what my life’ll be like after school seeing as i was in my final year. I had messed up a lot and it seemed like there was no time anymore. For the first time in my life I was considering taking “the easy way out”, beat God at his own game, throw in the towel.
I went to the last place I ever turn to for support; home, but you see, I like to think when we’re born, we’re like blank white boards and the environment (people around us really) leave impressions on us only this time they use permanent markers and you know how hard it is to get that off a white board. The stains are hard (but not impossible) to remove, but still we move on from it after a while and write somewhere else or buy a new board. It wasn’t encouraging to see my parents look at this damaged white board for mistakes and carefully avoid them with the others,but still we move.
Then it started to get better, i got together with an old friend, and as stressful as it was (or still is) being with me, she made the year easy to live through, all my best memories of the year have her in them, she helped me work through the anger and depression. I remember when I applied to Andela and I took my first test, it was her encouragement that got me through the application process, I almost chickened out on a test that I passed when i wrote. We spent everyday going through my email waiting for a replies and following instructions. I did the interview too and on the day i found out I didn’t get in because they weren’t recruiting undergrads, i felt bad, but hey I got in.
One time, i got a job with a hotel booking portal that i promptly lost after someone broke into the office and stole my computer while we all were asleep at night.
Final year project came and for some reason I wasn’t sure I’d survive that one. My topic was changed twice and there were so many setbacks but God came through for me and I didn’t only finish in time, I got an A. Its pretty much of a big deal for a topic i had 3 weeks to work on.
If there’s anything I learnt in 2015, its that I can do anything I set my mind to, and sometimes the people God puts in your life are all the blessing you need. A friend once told me, he said, “I’m not scared of what your life’ll turn out to be like, I can already see it, just make the right decisions and you’re on your way”, that’s one of the most encouraging things anybody has said to me this year and I hope I’ve laid the foundation for a great year next year.
2016’ll take a lot of courage, with me and starting a new phase of my life and girlfriend braving the odds in her final year.
I’ve never been good at expressing myself, I only just started to write poetry and somehow I’m starting to get the hang of it. More than the joy of writing poetry is reading it to people. Over the next few weeks i plan to read one poem every week. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the readings enough to stick around.
My perception of life is not profound,
I’m lost and I want to be found.
I swear sometimes I’m like an endless void,
Away from the sun,in this gaping bleakness.
Darkness so fluid,I bleed for life and wait for light.
Alone,unwanted and in anguish,
Reaching for anything within my reach.
I edge forward in hopeless disarray,
Towards a distant star I start to stray.
As I move towards the star with joy unbridled,
I’m unjustly rewarded with lies,abuse and curses.
I’m that person.
I’ll be there for you
Your knight in sardine kpangolo,
It’s the best that I can do.
I am that person.
ABCDEFGHJK
I’m about as unnoticeable as the missing letter.
a dull glow of light in this obscure position,
I’ll fend off darkness till you find something better.
When your sky turns dark,and the earth starts to shake your bed,
When all your hope is gone and your life takes a sharp downward bend.
When you can’t find your way and everything around you turns really slippery and grey,
When stars fall from above and you’re barely holding on.
I’ll always be there,that friend that isn’t the most talented or has the most things.
You can come to me and expect to find comfort because that is who I am, The one who sticks around till something better comes along.
He said she was like screwing a corpse,
but a 17-year-old corpse with young breasts,
so it wasn’t bad,she left the door open
while he pretended to be asleep
and did the walk of shame across the road and out into the darkness.
I know his girlfriend
but i won’t tell her.
its not for me to judge
or discriminate just because
she does
and he won’t.
I wrote this a few months ago. Enjoy.
Lightning precedes my appearance from yonder,
I am olukoso the god of thunder.
I only speak once and my breath is fire,
The Laba and yewu is my preferred attire.
When I twirl,I terrify the oyo kingdom,
I’m the god of male fertility it’s hard to stop me with a condom.
They say I’m a low-budget version of that imbecile Thor,
Forgetting that Captain America approached me first on behalf of his cohorts, I laughed him to scorn and said “you’re a bore”.
I’d rather be associated with real war and violence,
Bring your unfaithful wives and thieving lawmakers to me let them swear their innocence.
Hungry Ijebu Boy 