The world is filled with cripples
and nights that never end
calls that never come through
restless dreams
stars that lose themselves
waves that are always leaving
bitten mouths
lonely people at the movies
dark chocolate nipples
tired people
lonely hearts
opening and spinning
crashing into open mouths
hungry eyes
empty-handed lovers
the lethargy of loneliness
a miserable force.
It’s pretty amazing and maybe a little sad how memories fade at different places. 22 years ago you had me, raised me. Would it be weird to say your face is the same one that built my dreams and broke my heart from time to time? I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday but I can remember how strong your arms are, how you’d work so we won’t go hungry. Those arms are stronger than anything in the world, except for maybe the fear I’ve always had for you.
I remember how your laughter reverberates through the room and even as it seemed that I walked on egg shells around you, it still had the ability to lift my spirits. Growing up, only your laughter had the power to leave me feeling empty too. As I grew older, that laughter changed, morphed into a lot of yelling and “I really don’t think you’ll turn out great but I’m grateful I have other children”. The yelling ended and it was replaced with silence which I still think is the hardest part. I got into the university and home just wasn’t where I wanted to be anymore. Initially I chalked it up to the euphoria of being free for the first time but as years went by I realized it was something more. Maybe all that silence between us burned holes into me that can’t be mended, and all that time at Baba Lola’s house and the resulting effects contributed to it.
I was lost, and how badly my life has turned out now is a result of the mistakes I’ve made. When I slipped away while you watched, it set into motion a domino effect. I made 10,000 decisions that day, dad. I decided to skip graduation, we can only fake the smiles for the camera, i’ll always be the child that disappointed you. I decided your shoes would filled by the nearest stranger if I needed a shoulder to lean on.
You tied my hands in countless ways, set my feet on a path I was forced to walk on. My life is headed in a whole new direction and uncertain as the future is I could do a lot better with your support. We would never be able to have that father-son bond, let’s face it, the time to foster that is long gone. We’ve both made mistakes in our lives and there are a thousand things we could not decide, but if there is anything I can choose; forgiveness.
I choose to forgive you because doing so empowers me. I choose to forgive you because I’ve lost so much and the first step to reclaiming them is forgiveness. I choose to forgive you because the alternative is bitterness and we both know that bitterness is poison.
I stole the title from Timi Ajiboye’s medium post X_x
2016 is finally here and if you ask me, i’d say its not too early to start mapping out the year and setting goals. I usually never do this, I just take the year head-on. Life’s deceptive deliriums come strong just after you turn twenty one and thankfully in my case (or so i hope) it didn’t last long. I’ll be 23 this year and it’s a big deal because kini iyato 23 ati 26?
The year started pretty great, I made the lover lunch two days ago. I made a three course meal, without the senrenre of expensive restaurants because she abandoned the table and sat on the floor (lol this man over tipped his hand), but it was totally worth it.
….back to my decision to set goals and stuff. I have dreams so big the quantity of work I need to put in to achieve them is scary. It all just puts me under a lot of pressure and I don’t do so well under pressure so I’m going to try and put things into perspective by writing some of my plans and goals here and hope that when my life slips into chaos and I slack I’ll have this for a benchmark and/or someone who has read this post and would be kind enough to say “hey, you planned to do this and you’re veering off track”. I tried talking to C yesterday about this and I’m not sure if its how i broached the subject or she just wasn’t ready, but it went south. I’ll just try again later. In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown of the things (habits, goals, e.t.c) I plan to pick up/drop. I’ve seen people make plans like I’m doing and go back to their old lives after a few weeks and I won’t lie, its making me sceptical about this proposed lifestyle overhaul, but then i’ve seen people whose lives turned out great as a result of what i’m about to do.
This isn’t everything, and I plan to update this post as stuff comes up.
I already wrote a review, i just didn’t think it was necessary to write one so i deleted it. My reason being that it was a pretty great year and i don’t think i can stand being reminded of all the good things i once had when things go south, there’s a lot to tell you about but I’d only write what I remember.
For some reason i was under a lot of pressure when the year started. I had not done too well in school the previous year, I was constantly plagued by the fear of what my life’ll be like after school seeing as i was in my final year. I had messed up a lot and it seemed like there was no time anymore. For the first time in my life I was considering taking “the easy way out”, beat God at his own game, throw in the towel.
I went to the last place I ever turn to for support; home, but you see, I like to think when we’re born, we’re like blank white boards and the environment (people around us really) leave impressions on us only this time they use permanent markers and you know how hard it is to get that off a white board. The stains are hard (but not impossible) to remove, but still we move on from it after a while and write somewhere else or buy a new board. It wasn’t encouraging to see my parents look at this damaged white board for mistakes and carefully avoid them with the others,but still we move.
Then it started to get better, i got together with an old friend, and as stressful as it was (or still is) being with me, she made the year easy to live through, all my best memories of the year have her in them, she helped me work through the anger and depression. I remember when I applied to Andela and I took my first test, it was her encouragement that got me through the application process, I almost chickened out on a test that I passed when i wrote. We spent everyday going through my email waiting for a replies and following instructions. I did the interview too and on the day i found out I didn’t get in because they weren’t recruiting undergrads, i felt bad, but hey I got in.
One time, i got a job with a hotel booking portal that i promptly lost after someone broke into the office and stole my computer while we all were asleep at night.
Final year project came and for some reason I wasn’t sure I’d survive that one. My topic was changed twice and there were so many setbacks but God came through for me and I didn’t only finish in time, I got an A. Its pretty much of a big deal for a topic i had 3 weeks to work on.
If there’s anything I learnt in 2015, its that I can do anything I set my mind to, and sometimes the people God puts in your life are all the blessing you need. A friend once told me, he said, “I’m not scared of what your life’ll turn out to be like, I can already see it, just make the right decisions and you’re on your way”, that’s one of the most encouraging things anybody has said to me this year and I hope I’ve laid the foundation for a great year next year.
2016’ll take a lot of courage, with me and starting a new phase of my life and girlfriend braving the odds in her final year.
I’ve never been good at expressing myself, I only just started to write poetry and somehow I’m starting to get the hang of it. More than the joy of writing poetry is reading it to people. Over the next few weeks i plan to read one poem every week. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the readings enough to stick around.
My perception of life is not profound,
I’m lost and I want to be found.
I swear sometimes I’m like an endless void,
Away from the sun,in this gaping bleakness.
Darkness so fluid,I bleed for life and wait for light.
Alone,unwanted and in anguish,
Reaching for anything within my reach.
I edge forward in hopeless disarray,
Towards a distant star I start to stray.
As I move towards the star with joy unbridled,
I’m unjustly rewarded with lies,abuse and curses.
I wouldn’t say I’m oblivious of how frantic living my life has become. I mean I’m aware of how swiftly time is flying by,how hard it is for me to close my eyes,exhale and lose myself in life’s melodies. How badly I want my mind to be motionless,how I don’t want to cling to my uncertain reality.
Today, I got a call from a friend,we spoke about stuff,then she proceeded to sing Bob Dylan’s “knocking on heaven’s door”. I don’t know why,but I cried when I started to sing along (lol you can say that I connect to music on a plane that transcends the physical),but yeah I was a basket case. We sang:
Mama, take this badge off of me
I can’t use it anymore.
It’s gettin’ dark, too dark to see
I feel I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door.
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can’t shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin’ down
I feel I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door.
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door
Here’s a video for those who haven’t heard it:
I know that traditionally this post should probably end with a “don’t give up,keep pushing,don’t give up” type of conclusion,but between you and me,it really doesn’t work. And for a lack of a better way to end this,i’l just post it as it is.
It’s 11:48
Suicide crossed my mind today,
End it all…walk away.
Furtive glances at the bottle and a small voice asks “why wait?”
Suicide crossed my mind today,
Go away…avoid the winding way.
Of the life I’ve lived I feel nothing but hate
Suicide crossed my mind today,
Close your eyes,go to sleep..maybe the pain’ll go away.
“We’re waiting”,the voices call. “Come join us,don’t be late”
Suicide crossed my mind today,
Shh…focus…happiness is fleeting don’t get carried away 
No sandwich travels better than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Between when it’s made at six forty-five in the morning to when you finally get to eat it are six of the toughest hours on a sandwich. Sliding around the floor of a BRT bus in a brown bag, sitting on a bench exposed to the elements, and being mashed into a dank bag with books,a computer and what nots will bring an egg salad or a bologna with mayo to its knees. But not the resilient PB&J. Peanut butter and jelly is the only sandwich that actually gets better with time. Like a fine cabernet that sticks to the roof of your mouth. How many other sandwiches can boast that sitting in the sun makes them taste better? Also this sandwich tastes better with milk,although this point will be invalid in a few hours after people that know me personally find this post (I’m lactose intolerant). Be it known as convenience food, junk food or munchies; the peanut butter sandwich seduces with ease and ensnares you with the emptiest of calories,
Lately I’ve been feeling like this….struggling to make sense of this life i live. It might seem weird because the guy in the video is crying about losing a lover and you start to wonder how this relates to me,but really it does. I’m in a pretty great place in my life right now (i have more to be thankful for). But then my mind does this thing where it starts to play scenarios that show how badly my life’ll fall apart if i lose the little i have. I’m scared. What’s the point in lying? I hate that nothing is promised. Now i’m faced with the great shroud of the encroaching unknown,gnawing on the fruits of undesirable truth. The future glass is half-empty and leaking. Death is the only certainty and even he works by spontaneity.
Hungry Ijebu Boy 