It’s pretty amazing and maybe a little sad how memories fade at different places. 22 years ago you had me, raised me. Would it be weird to say your face is the same one that built my dreams and broke my heart from time to time? I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday but I can remember how strong your arms are, how you’d work so we won’t go hungry. Those arms are stronger than anything in the world, except for maybe the fear I’ve always had for you.
I remember how your laughter reverberates through the room and even as it seemed that I walked on egg shells around you, it still had the ability to lift my spirits. Growing up, only your laughter had the power to leave me feeling empty too. As I grew older, that laughter changed, morphed into a lot of yelling and “I really don’t think you’ll turn out great but I’m grateful I have other children”. The yelling ended and it was replaced with silence which I still think is the hardest part. I got into the university and home just wasn’t where I wanted to be anymore. Initially I chalked it up to the euphoria of being free for the first time but as years went by I realized it was something more. Maybe all that silence between us burned holes into me that can’t be mended, and all that time at Baba Lola’s house and the resulting effects contributed to it.
I was lost, and how badly my life has turned out now is a result of the mistakes I’ve made. When I slipped away while you watched, it set into motion a domino effect. I made 10,000 decisions that day, dad. I decided to skip graduation, we can only fake the smiles for the camera, i’ll always be the child that disappointed you. I decided your shoes would filled by the nearest stranger if I needed a shoulder to lean on.
You tied my hands in countless ways, set my feet on a path I was forced to walk on. My life is headed in a whole new direction and uncertain as the future is I could do a lot better with your support. We would never be able to have that father-son bond, let’s face it, the time to foster that is long gone. We’ve both made mistakes in our lives and there are a thousand things we could not decide, but if there is anything I can choose; forgiveness.
I choose to forgive you because doing so empowers me. I choose to forgive you because I’ve lost so much and the first step to reclaiming them is forgiveness. I choose to forgive you because the alternative is bitterness and we both know that bitterness is poison.
Hungry Ijebu Boy 